Balloongate: How China’s Biden Balloon Hacked America’s Secrets

So, picture this: a giant Chinese balloon, nicknamed “Biden’s Blimp,” lazily drifting over America, slurping up data like a cosmic Roomba with a PhD in espionage.

The Pentagon’s freaking out, farmers are waving pitchforks at the sky, and Biden’s just squinting at it, mumbling, “Is that one of ours?”—while the balloon’s up there recording everything from your grandma’s TikTok dances to the Pentagon’s Wi-Fi password. Turns out, it’s beaming back intel to Beijing, cataloging every cornfield and conspiracy theorist’s blog, whispering, “Send more soy sauce, we’ve got their entire Netflix queue!” By the time we shot it down, it had already uploaded “America: The Director’s Cut” to the cloud—directors being Xi Jinping and a very curious AI.